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I’m leaving to go get my first ultrasound (of the pregnancy) in half an hour. I can’t help but be nervous…is there one embryo growing in there or two? Betas could mean anything at this point.
In some ways I hope for one…easier pregnancy. Better chances at making it full term. Health. Work. School. Everything normal that a person wants in life falls under this category.
But I am also really wanting it to be two. As hard as it will be, I really want this to be it. It’s irrational in many ways, but having gone through what I have been through, I’m not sure I could do this all again. I mean, I could…but do I want to? And I guess part of me feels the need to prove that I can carry twins—that it wasn’t my fault before. It’s a stupid reason to want it to be twins, but I’d be lying if I denied it.
My beta yesterday was at 2023. Who knows. I just want this thing to work.
And this also means that it’s time to “graduate” from the fertility clinic. I made an appointment with one OB, but I’m not sure I’m going to stick with it. Regardless of whether there’s one or two (but especially if there’s two), I feel like I want to be referred to a high risk doctor right away. There’s too much wiggle room in my history for problems. As much as I’d love to have that water birth where I’d curse the stars for the pain, I think that’s just not in the cards. But that’s also something I’d be totally willing to give up just to have this work once and for all.
So we meet with the doctor after the ultrasound and I’ll discuss that with her then. And then it might be a couple of weeks before I have another official medical update. How do people handle this? How do I go from having updates every other day to radio silence?
I guess the first step is to just breathe.
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