Kim's Journey To Motherhood

Four Months

Wed, 15 May 2013 17:00:54 -0400

Dear Emma and Ellie—

Four months. I cannot even fathom it. Four months ago I was going into the hospital for my routine twice-weekly ultrasound (carrying twins brings a lot of tests to your door) and I ended up staying for five days and leaving with you two in my arms instead of inside of me.

Four months seems such a small period of time compared to the lifetimes we’ve lived inside of it.

This month you…

learned to roll over more reliably

got a new caretaker. Your babysitter on Wednesdays S, is awesome and takes such good care of you guys. Brooklyn approves.

helped me celebrate my first Mother’s Day as a parent

in your continuing trend of media domination were in the newspaper

went up north to the Shack for the first time. This is huge as it means so much to your Daddy and me to see you guys in Papa Mac’s shack up north. One day you’ll learn all about him and understand why.

You guys are so different yet so much the same. It became clear to me this month that you guys are like The Dude and Walter from The Big Lebowski. Ellie is The Dude and only gets riled up when necessary but generally has a very zen outlook on life. Emma, well, you’re Walter and you’re fired the hell up. You two interact the same way as well. It cracks us up.

Happy four months, Bug and Goose. Here’s to a summer of fun.

Love,

Your Mama

——————-

Dear Emma:

So much medical drama this month. Turns out that the flat spot on your head is getting worse and your torticollis isn’t getting better at the right pace to help the flat spot. That means for three months or so—over the summer no less—you’ll have to wear a helmet to help your head grow in the right direction. You also are going to physical therapy to help with the neck turning issues. It’s not going to be easy to see you in that helmet, but hopefully you don’t notice and we can all just make it through the next few months without too many tears on that front.

Plus, your daddy already got you awesome decals for your helmet and even bought himself headgear to wear in solidarity with you so you two can be “helmet buddies.” If that isn’t adorable, I don’t know what is.

(this is your daddy’s helmet on you)

You are sassy and loud, little one. You are learning about the volume of your voice this month. What once was a coo or a giggle is now a scream or a shout. Most of the time it’s adorable. Sometimes it’s frustrating…not going to lie. But really, even when it’s frustrating, I can smile about it later. Boom away.

Now that you’ve discovered how fun it is to roll over you will not stop. Like will. Not. Stop. It’s funny because your sister was the first one to roll over and yet she isn’t as impressed with it as you are. You’re all over the place any chance you get. Most mornings we find you on your side.

You are the overachiever your mommy is. And you brag about it about as much as your mommy does. Good for you. People need to know about your accomplishments.

Keep booming. Keep turning. Keep holding the world accountable to your every need and whim. You will, no doubt, hold us all to our promises.

Love you always, Goose,

Mama

————-

Dear Ellie:

When your sister started yelling so much I wondered if you’d ever feel the need to talk. Maybe she’d do all that for you. While your yelling doesn’t hit the same level, you’ve recently started talking. it’s this low grade mumbling talk that no one understands but you seem perfectly content using. I think you believe that we understand you. I wish I did, sweetie. I wish I did.

You have powerful legs. Your only task is to learn how to stand on them and then you’ll be off to the races. One time this month you nearly collapsed the whole play mat and gym because you wanted to tear down the monkey…with your legs. Daddy and I joked that you were bringing that drug kingpin in for questioning and that the owl and the lamb were patsies in his scheme. I think you play along with that to satisfy us, so thank you.

Sometimes your reflux is better, sometimes it is worse. As you grow, that will happen. I hope you don’t keep it your whole life like I have, but you might. If you do, know that I literally feel your pain and we’ll work through it together. I have a feeling once you can eat solid foods we’ll be better off. Just hold on, little one.

You absolutely love Sesame Street. You watch Elmo and the other characters with great joy. We don’t watch a ton of TV, but that’s one show I watched as a kid that I can’t imagine not being in your life. It’s different than it was when I was little, but I think we love it just the same.

It’s funny to watch you when you’re in your zen mode.

You’re so calm and collected. So unlike me. So very able to relax and take it all in. I never thought I’d be jealous of a baby, but here I am trying to learn patience from you. Go figure.

You are a wonder, Ellie girl. Such an amazing baby. You are and will always be my zen master.

Love you, Bug,

Mama

postcardsfromanidlemind: Love mom? Get political.

Sun, 12 May 2013 18:49:30 -0400

postcardsfromanidlemind:

Love mom? Get political.

Vote everyday in May! Help dogs and veterans! Vote...

Wed, 01 May 2013 17:27:43 -0400

Vote everyday in May! Help dogs and veterans!

Vote here: https://apronsinaction.homedepotfoundation.org/

When someone tells me that they got pregnant their first month trying

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 10:45:45 -0400

whatshouldwecallinfertility:

I’m also seeing a lot of second kid pregnancies on FB this month. Same face to that as well.

When I feed the baby...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 15:28:39 -0400

whenyouhavekids:

… when its breast milk from the boob:

… when it’s breast milk from a bottle:

… when it’s formula:

… when it’s home-made puree from organic vegetables from a local farm:

…when it’s homemade purees from grocery store fruits and vegetables:

… when it’s pre-made purees from a jar:

… when it’s a french fry:

… when it’s Dr. Pepper:

I mean, feed your baby however gets he job done, but I’ll draw the line at soft drinks…

Photo

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 12:59:06 -0400

My Call to Join the Movement

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 12:29:00 -0400

My Call to Join the Movement:

I was thinking about that this weekend on the eve of National Infertility Awareness Week(NIAW). There’s a bit of coming out that is involved in infertility as well. My children are here because of two things: the science that allows amazing medical professionals to help people like me and The Mister become parents and our determination in the face of ridiculous odds to follow through on that path for at least one more try. It becomes tiresome to deny this struggle. Justlast week I wrote about honoring the strugglewithin myself, but honoring the struggle is so much more external than a singular admission to myself.

Honoring the struggle is answering the question with full honesty whenever I feel comfortable. It won’t always be the right person, the right place or the right time. But to me, it’s important to speak that truth.

Honoring the struggle is speaking out for other people trying to conceive and allowing them some support that maybe I wasn’t given enough of during the course of my trials.

Honoring the struggle is putting a face, a voice and a name with infertility.

We can’t erase the struggle. So let’s at least face it with dignity.

mylittlebitoffreedom: reasonandfaith: tighttummy: talk-skinny-...

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 14:07:37 -0400

mylittlebitoffreedom:

reasonandfaith:

tighttummy:

talk-skinny-to-me:

Fitspo

One year post-partum with baby #2. : )

This is the kind of mom I will be!! Hot momma : D

My number one goal in life is to be a MILF.

I kind of have no excuse really. Urhhh

Fitspo is dangerous. It’s really disordered eating and exercise. Don’t engage in it. I repeat: dieting is disordered eating.

Here are some good resources on the topic:

http://www.beautyredefined.net/why-fitspiration-isnt-so-inspirational/

http://virginiasolesmith.com/2012/03/why-fit-is-the-new-thin-and-what-we-can-do-about-it/

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/54635.php

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cravings/200804/dieting-and-disordered-eating

Your body gains weight during pregnancy for a reason. Her body her choice, your body your choice. But don’t be suckered into believing that you need to or should strive for that.

Women’s bodies change after pregnancy and that’s fine. We don’t need to change our bodies…our wonderful bodies that do so much. We need to change our conception of what a good body looks like. As mothers, there are millions of things more important and worthy of our time than being “MILFs” (which is a whole other can of worms) or having washboard abs after bearing children.

It’s one thing to want your abdominal strength back—especially after having a c-section. I have trouble turning over in bed after carrying twins and having a c-section. I’d like to not to have that trouble. But it’s another to insist on an ideal that is not worthy of your time.

That woman in the picture up there? She was gorgeous with all of the extra weight. She doesn’t need to lose it to be gorgeous.

Three Months

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 17:06:38 -0400

Dear Emma and Ellie—

This month has moved you truly from newborns to infants. And in that time, your personalities have shined through like I dreamed of when you weren’t even a glimmer in my eye. I’m not going to lie, the first two months were hard. I can handle it. I handled it. But enjoying it wasn’t always possible. This month, I started to enjoy it.

Your smiles light up a thousand rooms in a million buildings on countless planets. You bring such joy to all you meet.

This month you…

Celebrated you first St. Patrick’s Day. Your daddy insisted—against my wishes—to dye one of your bottles green. Your poop the following day was, well, green. Really green.

Celebrated you first Easter. Met my cousin and her children.

Both rolled over successfully from tummy to back multiple times and Ellie even rolled over from back to tummy once.

Learned to grasp things intentionally. Including my hair, my lip and your daddy’s glasses.

Celebrated your first baseball opening day.

WERE ON TV!

You have packed more into a month than most pack into years. I was just lucky enough to be around for the ride.

I also had to go back to work this month. I was not looking forward to it. The job I’m in right now is not right for me. It was supposed to be a layover on the way to better things. It has been, but I’m still stuck. But I’m working on ways to get unstuck. As much as I love spending time with you, my time away from you has made it easier to be your mom and enjoy it. I’m learning to be the new me, and sometimes it takes coming home to your two faces to know what that means.

A year ago I was desperately waiting the start of the IVF that would bring you into our lives. A year ago I had every idea of what a mother’s love could be and this year I know what a mother’s love is. I honor the journey infertility brought me every single day. You are not the end to that journey. You are a beginning to the rest of my life. The journey is mine and I hope that you never have to feel that burden in your life.

Your fourth month will be even more amazing. You’re starting to sleep more through the night and while you might not think much of it, this makes for happier parents and that benefits EVERYONE. So keep it up. And hopefully, the weather will cooperate and your first baseball game in person will happen in a few weeks.

The thing that is the most wonderful about you is how you already love and comfort one another. You have been known to calm the other one down when she needs it or bring a smile when the other one is sad. You feed off of one another and while sometimes that means double duty for us, it will always mean double the love for you. I’m sure you’ll fight like siblings always do, but you already have a bond that I admire. Don’t lose it.

I love you. You are my world’s greatest wonder.

Love always,

Your mama

————-

Dear Emma—

You are going to get everything you want in this world. How do I know? Because at just three months you have learned to melt hearts around you and move people to action in ways I have seen dictators and muses struggle with in my lifetime. A smile and coo from you and the world comes a running. A grumpy face and cry and your every need is met. You, my girl, are a drama queen of your mother’s ilk and don’t ever forget it.

Here’s the difference: I’m not going to make drama queen sound like a bad thing. You get on with your bossy dramatic self. You get what you want. There is nothing wrong with using what you have to get what you want as long as others aren’t harmed in the process. Too many girls are encouraged to cover that up. You will never been one of those girls. Ever.

You are already trying to sit up and you are definitely talking, but we just don’t know what you are saying. I can imagine you at the UN one day demanding a peace treaty or economic terms to an agreement. You are not going to take shit from anyone. Good. We need more girls and women like you.

You have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to see how the flat spot on your head is doing. I think it’s better. Your neck strength is definitely better. I just hope you don’t have to get a helmet. You will have a fit with that, I just know it.

Stay strong and proud, my dear. Keep learning the world around you. Keep melting hearts and kicking ass and taking names. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need and want. I won’t be afraid of telling you no, but it’s worth a shot. Good practice.

I adore you, Emma Anne.

Love,

Mama

——————

Dear Ellie—

You fascinate me. Sometimes I’ll watch you as your sister fusses and coos and you’re just sitting there, taking it all in. Some might wonder if she’s taking up all of the attention you want. I think you don’t want it. You’re too busy inspecting the world to see how it works. You might not be the most vocal, but you might be the most knowledgeable.

Emma learned to smile first, but you, my friend, you have the big smile down pat. You don’t always feel the need to bust it out, but when you do…your whole body smiles. You move in a new way. You are a new person. You become your smile and it explodes across the room.

You do not hold back. You are still moving all over. The minute you get this walking thing down, you’re running. I just know it. I may have to rethink my apprehension about child leashes once you start walking. I can just imagine the places you’ll run to and the things you’ll climb up on. The rate at which you are busting out of the tightest swaddles is only alarming for sleep purposes. It’s reassuring for growth purposes.

Your reflux is getting more controlled and I couldn’t be happier about that. I feel like we’re finally turning a bit of a corner on that and you can be the kid you’re meant to be. I see so much of your Papa Mac in you. And just when I think you’re all Mac, you give me something that’s so…well, me. Keeping it interesting, huh? I like that.

Keep moving little one. Keep challenging my world view…the way only you can.

I am amazed by you, Bug.

Love,

Mama

What Infertility Gave Me for Motherhood

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 14:07:00 -0400

Infertility is a real prick. No one doubts that. And parenting after infertility is full of pitfalls and emotions that parenting without having gone through infertility just doesn’t have. But that doesn’t mean it also doesn’t have it’s upsides…if you let happen it will.

Superstition like never before. A note written on a post-it with the number “787” written at the top. It was my third beta score. It is still in my cup of binder clips on my desk at work. I refuse to throw it out.

Badassery. When I think that motherhood or parenting is too tough, when I’m ready to throw in the towel for the day I remember all of those months, those years, those minutes that seemed like eternity waiting for a phone call from the clinic…and I remember that I’m stronger than damn near anything put in my path.

A sense of indifference. My children were created by biology, patience and science and through the use of chemicals. To worry too much about the smallest things in the hopes that they’re all-natural babies seems a bit dishonest. (Not that I expose them to things they shouldn’t…just that I don’t flip out when something happens to be around them that isn’t all-organic-all-natural-all-the-time.)

The Inability to Complain Too Much. Everyone gives me the “It was hard enough with one, I don’t know how you do it with two” speech. Again, I don’t know what one is like so it’s an empty comparison for me. At the same time, even if it were harder, I don’t think I could complain too much at the end of the day knowing that I am the captain of this ship and I wanted this. I get upset? I dance it out.

Preparation for Advice Onslaught. New mothers get a shit ton of advice. Yes, shit ton is a proper measurement. You know who else gets advice? Anyone who admits they’re going through infertility. It’s easier to deal with the advice about motherhood when you’ve had people feel like they had access to talk about your reproductive organs for any length of time.

Mad Patience. My kids don’t sleep through the night yet. It’s probably a bit early. But there are other babies that do at this age. Each time I think about it I get myself worked up about it. But I then am able to manage my expectations in a way that I think takes the kind of patience only years of infertility and loss can give you. The same is true of many parenting situations that I’ve been in during these short three months. It’s all difficult. A lot of it blows. But it’ll pass. And if it won’t, I’ll deal with it. I am filled with patience and strength that I haven’t even begun to show.

See, it’s not all for naught. I’d rather not have gone through it. But that doesn’t mean I can’t pick out the good that came from living it. I’m not Wonder Woman. I’m just massively learned in not getting your way in this world when you want to. That lesson goes a long way.

Especially at 5 am when you’re up feeding two babies who don’t want to focus and eat and your allergies are acting up and there’s literally snot running down your face because you do not have a free hand. Literally.

When I see a Pinterest board titled "First birthday party ideas"

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 23:28:52 -0400

whenyouhavekids:

When I've given up for the day

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 23:24:34 -0400

whenyouhavekids:

When something promises to help my baby sleep through the night

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 14:16:41 -0400

whenyouhavekids:

All of my money.

All of it.

The New Normal (of life with twins)

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 10:25:09 -0400

The New Normal (of life with twins):

“And that’s probably why I don’t mind being here at work too much. I’ve been cooped up with minimal adult contact for too long. I need that kind of interaction at some point. I learned very quickly that going to the store or mall with twins isn’t really relaxing either. It’s not that I have two babies with me. That’s difficult but manageable. It’s the constant barrage of questions and comments. I have a lot of patience with it. I don’t think The Mister does. But even I get tired of answering the same questions over and over again and have to bite my tongue when I want to get snarky around the fifth or sixth time each outing.

Yes, they’re twins. (Really thinking: no, they’re just babies that I had at the same time but aren’t twins. What does that question even mean?)

Yes, they’re both girls. (Does it really matter? Is there not enough pink around for you?)

They’re two months old. (Are you planning to buy them a birthday gift?)

Yes, I have my “hands full.” (Are you offering to help?)

Yes, they’ll probably be “double trouble” at some point. (Hopefully not to the point that they make comments to strangers about really being “in for it” when they’re in public like you, but that’s okay.)

They were born at 36 weeks. (Would you like to see my medical charts?)

They were healthy. (Would you like to see their medical charts?)

They weighed almost 6 pounds each. (How much do you weigh?)”

The girls got their welcome notes from the White House...

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 15:20:50 -0400

The girls got their welcome notes from the White House yesterday. The Mister brought it to me as I was changing Ellie. I was so excited I damn near crapped my own pants. I wish this was something I had from my birth. Then again, mine would be from Reagan and I don’t really want anything from that dude. A lifetime of bad public policy is enough.

I digress…LOOK THEY EACH HAVE A CARD AND A OBAMA FAMILY PHOTO!!!!

The best part about being a mom is...

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 21:16:10 -0400

rebeltwinmama:

So as previously mentioned, one of my friends just found out that she was pregnant. She follows my tumblr. I’m not publicly outing her *yet*. She’s in the “holy shit I’m pregnant” stage. I just gave her the official induction into the “unwed mothers” club. She’s, understandably, freaking out a little bit.

So, indulge me for a moment please.

Please reblog this and add what you think the best part about being a mom is. I think it not only would help us be a little more positive, but also let her know that becoming a mom is not as terrifying as it sounds. (Hey, she’s read my tumblr all these months, which is cluttered with rants and terrifying tidbits, so I need to even it out a little).

I think that the best part about being a mom (so far) is hearing my kids laugh. They have the best laughs. If I could make them laugh every moment of every day, I would. Their laughs are 100% happiness.

Seeing them respond to you in a way that no one else ever will and knowing that bond is unbreakable.

Random Thoughts About Kids and Motherhood

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 11:30:49 -0400

Is it bad that I didn’t want to cry when the girls got their first big round of shots? It’s not that i enjoyed it, but I knew that it was just a tiny poke (well, two) and then it was over.
I need to make it a point to tell other mothers they are doing a good job. It always makes me feel good when a mother says it to me. When my own mother said it, I nearly cried.
I’ve been sick this week and really hoping not to pass it on to the girls. So far so good, which makes me think this is some weird allergies-turned-sinus-thing.
Prior to this week, the girls were sleeping up to 5 hours at night at a time. They have decided they were spoiling us and went back to their 3-4 hour rotation.
The Mister has been out of town this week and I’ve sent him pictures and video of the girls and we’ve face timed with them. I know he misses them like crazy. I am also jealous of all the sleep he’s getting. Not that i can complain too much as my mom has been helping at night.
The girls got their first big set of books at the used book sale at the library this past weekend. We found a book about the presidents that was so old it didn’t have an end date for LBJ’s presidency. We got that for sentimental value, not being up to date.
At their two month checkup (at the new pediatrician no less, as our previous one wasn’t cutting it), I was told that Emma’s head has a flat spot in the back on one side and that it is also causing neck issues. So we have to work more on tummy time and getting her to stretch her neck. Tummy time at this age is always so horrid from what I gather and it is for us as well. I’m trying to be creative with it to get as much in as possible.
Both girls are just a couple of pounds shy of doubling their birth weight. Growing like weeds over here.

Nothing like the sound of your partner snoring whilst you're trying to clean, look after and feed your toddler.

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 15:46:35 -0400

piggyvonninja:

crazymomxx:

babybyron:

Hope you enjoy your nap.

I seriously think about punching Zac when that happens lol

Sometimes I wonder who would play me in the lifetime movie about my life if I smothered my husband with a pillow when he does this.

this. sooooooo this. ^ that’s me when it happens.

Two Months

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 17:48:46 -0400

Dear Emma and Ellie—

Today is a big day for all of us. Today you are two months old. Today I went back to work for the first time (albeit for half a day and I’m off next week…nevertheless, it counts). Today I feel like we’re closing the chapter on much of your newborn lives and moving on to true infancy.

I cannot tell you how many times I have questioned whether I can handle leaving you two to go back to work and to go back to school. It’s not that I am so attached to you I die if you’re not around. Believe me, nap time is my savior. You’ll understand that when you’re older. But even when I go for a sanity stroll around Target, all I can think about is what you need…what you want…what you’re doing. I have so many things I want to accomplish in this life, but none of them will happen again without your touch on it.

You’ve changed so much in the past month let alone the past two months. I was looking at your newborn pictures the other day and couldn’t believe the strangers from my past I saw there. You two are inching towards being twice the size you were when you were born. Your eyes are open far more often. You smile. You move about. You notice things….including each other.

Sometimes when I go to sleep I have dreams about a life without you. Oddly, before I had you, I’d dream of you in my life. But now when I wake up I’m not greeted with sadness of loss, but happiness of having you…even if I wake up because you’re screaming and hungry or wet or in distress. You’re the shock to the system that I needed.

I’m still learning to find my identity both as a mother and as a person from here on out. I never thought I’d look back on any part of your life and mourn it’s passing…I always wanted you to grow and talk and learn. But I get the melloncholly that accompanies progress for mothers now. It’s not that I want to keep you that way. It’s that I was so privileged to be there for that brief moment in time that I’m sad it has passed.

To say i love you would be an understatement. You two are my life. You come first. Cold meals and less sleep are small prices to pay for that.

Always,

Mama

——-

Dear Emma—

I thought you might like to know what you are like at two months old.

You are precocious. I can see you trying to figure out the world around you. Language is not far off for you. I can see you already trying to add to the conversation. Everything is new and exciting and you make the most adorable cooing noise when you’re intrigued that anyone has ever heard.

But you’re not afraid to throw some shade my way…or anyone’s way. I’ve seen you give side eye and the looks of being unimpressed more than once. It’s quite amusing and I can’t wait to hear what you really think about the world around you.

Your Uncle Andy mentioned a couple of weeks ago that you look like Nana, your Grandpa’s mama. She left us six and a half years ago. I always thought you looked like Grandpa’s dad, my Grandpa. But i think your uncle might be on to something. No matter how you look at it, you’re the comfort of days past wrapped up in everything that can be in the future.

Right now you’re starting to fuss. You fuss a lot these days. It’s that time of your life. As frustrating as it can be, keep fussing, child. Get what you want and don’t take no for an answer.

Love,

Your Mama

———

Dear Ellie—

Child, slow down. Just last night I was changing you on the ottoman after your bath and as I was trying to put on your diaper, you rolled from your back to your stomach. ”Too soon,” I thought. I didn’t think it was going to happen at first. But it seemed like the right thing to do to let you try. Lo and behold, you did it. I know it was only once, but you’ve rolled from your stomach to your side and your back to your side before, so this wasn’t that fluke-ish. You have a grasp that would challenge the strongest man alive. It’s only a matter of time before you start wiggling your way about this world.

You will always be my warrior child. This month your reflux and stomach issues got the best of you. We’ve seen three doctors to get some answers. It’s clearly worse than regular baby reflux, but just how much worse is up for debate…as is the treatment. Your cry will move mountains, trust me…no offense, but it’s shrill and forces people to move. Those lungs will serve you well. Maybe the rapid breathing at birth was because your lungs were just that good.

I discovered you like the fleece sleepers…something I’d never like. So I went out and bought you a few more. I think you like being bundled up in a cold room. It seems to bring you more sleep. And even though most babies with reflux like sleeping in some sort of elevated fashion, you don’t sleep well unless you’re flat on a bed. Defying convention already.

It’s funny, when I see your sister looking at things I think she’s questioning their existence. When I see you looking at things, I see you wanting to know how they work and how you can interact with them.

Till next month, my little engineer…

Love,

Mama

Reblog if you are the mama/daddy of twins.

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 12:06:20 -0500

lindsay-looo:

brinstwinbundles:

Just curious to see how many of us there really are…

Pregnant with twins…does that count?